Should Children Be Taught Not to Talk to Strangers?

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Permalink Reply by Penny Arcos on October 17, 2009 at 4:10am

I live in Minneapolis, MN. The advice about talking to strangers in the Twin Cities depends on what side of the street you are walking on, literally. In general, it is not a good idea to let children be unattended in the city. Even when they are in your sights in a store, horrible things can happen, and they DO happen. I make my son aware that there are bad people out there who do bad things to children and that he needs to stay near me, but I do not want him to grow up paranoid that everyone who smiles at him is a bad stranger. So, we talk to strangers all the time. My son knows that if someone he doesn't know asks him to follow them, he should run away and tell a trusted adult. But, he should already be WITH a trusted adult. If this discussion is about preschoolers, when is a preschooler allowed to be alone anyhow? Children imitate their parents. If you model caution with shaky looking characters and friendliness with people in the store, then they will pick up on that.

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Permalink Reply by Rae Pica on October 18, 2009 at 12:14pm

Penny, what do you think about Lenore's advice that children should instead be taught not to go with strangers?

Penny Arcos said:

I live in Minneapolis, MN. The advice about talking to strangers in the Twin Cities depends on what side of the street you are walking on, literally. In general, it is not a good idea to let children be unattended in the city. Even when they are in your sights in a store, horrible things can happen, and they DO happen. I make my son aware that there are bad people out there who do bad things to children and that he needs to stay near me, but I do not want him to grow up paranoid that everyone who smiles at him is a bad stranger. So, we talk to strangers all the time. My son knows that if someone he doesn't know asks him to follow them, he should run away and tell a trusted adult. But, he should already be WITH a trusted adult. If this discussion is about preschoolers, when is a preschooler allowed to be alone anyhow? Children imitate their parents. If you model caution with shaky looking characters and friendliness with people in the store, then they will pick up on that.

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Permalink Reply by Carol Garboden Murray on October 19, 2009 at 7:28pm

I am all with Lenore!!! I have often thought about this - and I always talk to my children about how many good people there are in the world. I always point out all the helpers, rescuers, heros in our society who help strangers every day. When I am with my children in public I always smile at others, hold the door for others, say hello, etc... I want my children to be comfortable and happy in the world. Young children have such black and white thinking - this bad guy/good guy talk is very misleading and confusing and although good intentioned - teaches fear! I feel similarly about things like bigger social issues (pollution, global warming, social-injustices). I feel these topics are developmentally inappropriate for preschool aged children. I really appreciate this discussion. I like hearing both sides of these issues and I think it is healthy to keep the dialog going. We all need to be more comfortable with diversity of opinions. Contrast helps us learn and grow and in some cases helps reinforces our beliefs.

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Permalink Reply by Rae Pica on October 19, 2009 at 10:54pm

Carol, your children are very lucky to have you as their mother -- and your students are very fortunate to have you as their teacher!

It's great getting your feedback. We at BAM are hoping to bring you more than one perspective whenever possible!

Carol Garboden Murray said:

I am all with Lenore!!! I have often thought about this - and I always talk to my children about how many good people there are in the world. I always point out all the helpers, rescuers, heros in our society who help strangers every day. When I am with my children in public I always smile at others, hold the door for others, say hello, etc... I want my children to be comfortable and happy in the world. Young children have such black and white thinking - this bad guy/good guy talk is very misleading and confusing and although good intentioned - teaches fear! I feel similarly about things like bigger social issues (pollution, global warming, social-injustices). I feel these topics are developmentally inappropriate for preschool aged children. I really appreciate this discussion. I like hearing both sides of these issues and I think it is healthy to keep the dialog going. We all need to be more comfortable with diversity of opinions. Contrast helps us learn and grow and in some cases helps reinforces our beliefs.

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Permalink Reply by Ruth Johnston on October 26, 2009 at 3:12pm

I completely agree with Lenore Skenazy. I have tried to instill in my sons the need to learn how to communicate with strangers, especially in stores, the library, church, etc. so they can learn social skills. If they want to order extra food at a fast food restaurant, I hand them money and have them ask politely. We practice these scenarios at home. Another book that I read several years ago that offers additional insight on this subject is Protecting the Gift by Gavin DeBecker.

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Permalink Reply by Rae Pica on October 26, 2009 at 3:28pm

So much of what matters in life comes down to good communication -- to being able to interact well with others. And yet we give it so little consideration in the education of our children! We teach them how to compete -- how to win at all costs -- and how to regurgitate the information we feed them, but we don't adequately show them how to function as members of a society. Glad to hear you've been working on it with your children!

Thanks for the book suggestion, Ruth!

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Permalink Reply by Maryann "Mar." Harman on November 30, 2009 at 10:06am

I almost missed this whole discussion! Glad I was reading back a bit!
It if refreshing to read that parents aren't making children paranoid. About ten years ago, I did a series of CDs for a retired police officer and one of her biggest topics was strangers. She had me write a few songs about how to prepare children. If interested, check them out on my website : www.musicwithmar.com/CDs
Cute story that proves children are children : The police officer came to one of my classes and talked to the children about strangers. She read her book, answered questions and we sang my song "Stranger Danger". A mom bought the book and took her 4 yr old with her to the bank. They talked about the class. While making her deposit, she looked down and her son had walked away. She turned in time to see him approaching a man he didn't know saying "Hey Mister! Wanna see my book about strangers?" :}

Rae Pica said:

So much of what matters in life comes down to good communication -- to being able to interact well with others. And yet we give it so little consideration in the education of our children! We teach them how to compete -- how to win at all costs -- and how to regurgitate the information we feed them, but we don't adequately show them how to function as members of a society. Glad to hear you've been working on it with your children!

Thanks for the book suggestion, Ruth!

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Permalink Reply by Ellen Moreau on January 29, 2010 at 6:10pm

I believe children need to be taught that if there is someone we don't know, the fact is we simply do not know if they are a good person or someone we can trust to take care of us. I like to compare people with gifts and tell children even though someone looks good on the outside, we do not know if they are good on the inside (which is really what matters) until we know them. Just like with a present. It can look fabulous on the outside, pretty and fancy but on the inside there might be a rock or ugly itchy p.j.'s! We only know we can trust a person if they are someone a parent feels is a good person.
On the other hand, I am also aware most children are molested by someone who they believe (and their families believe) can be trusted. How do you explain this to a child or should we even explain this to a child. I believe age appropriate explanations are the key. Being a vigilantly protective and aware parent, without robbing a child of their natural innocents, is important too.

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Permalink Reply by Rae Pica on January 29, 2010 at 7:49pm

Lenore's advice is that we teach children not to go with strangers. What do you think? Sufficient?

Ellen Moreau said:

I believe children need to be taught that if there is someone we don't know, the fact is we simply do not know if they are a good person or someone we can trust to take care of us. I like to compare people with gifts and tell children even though someone looks good on the outside, we do not know if they are good on the inside (which is really what matters) until we know them. Just like with a present. It can look fabulous on the outside, pretty and fancy but on the inside there might be a rock or ugly itchy p.j.'s! We only know we can trust a person if they are someone a parent feels is a good person.
On the other hand, I am also aware most children are molested by someone who they believe (and their families believe) can be trusted. How do you explain this to a child or should we even explain this to a child. I believe age appropriate explanations are the key. Being a vigilantly protective and aware parent, without robbing a child of their natural innocents, is important too.

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Permalink Reply by Dr. Joe Galasso on March 12, 2010 at 9:48am

Hi all - This is a very interesting topic and a very very important one as we all understand how vulnerable children are, especially during the preschool years. I apologize in advance for being longwinded (I am new here - don't hold it against me). As I have come to see it in my work with victimized children and families, the two themes that are ever present are either: "I should have done something about it" OR "there is nothing I could have done about it." The crux of the matter, however (as everyone here is chipping away at) lies in between. How can I prevent something like this from happening without instilling fear?

I found 3 points that Peggy and Ellen offered to resonate greatly with my own thoughts:
1. "But, he should already be WITH a trusted adult. If this discussion is about preschoolers, when is a preschooler allowed to be alone anyhow?"
2. "Children imitate their parents."
3. "Being a vigilantly protective and aware parent, without robbing a child of their natural innocents, is important too."

To piggy back off their insights, I would suggest that as parents and educators we don't necessarily have to "teach" kids to "protect" themselves. We can as everyone stated, offer awareness through stories and how we interact with people in the community. I do believe we do a disservice to children by teaching children "skills" to protect themselves and "identify" predators - why? - because it is our responsibility to provide that safety for preschool aged children, not to try to make them competent adults. We sometimes do things (not always of course), like send small children to martial arts, as a way to let ourselves off the hook, to quell our anxiety, and to provide a false sense of security that our 4 year old is now prepared to make the right decision. We have to be ever mindful of where our children are and with whom they come into contact.

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Permalink Reply by Rae Pica on March 12, 2010 at 10:03am

Joe, thanks for the input! Not long-winded at all.

Please do listen to this week's featured interview on the Parents Channel at the BAM Radio Network (http://tinyurl.com/makb8o) and let us know what you think. It's with three authors who discuss the psychologically fragile children we're creating with our overprotectiveness...

Dr. Joe Galasso said:

Hi all - This is a very interesting topic and a very very important one as we all understand how vulnerable children are, especially during the preschool years. I apologize in advance for being longwinded (I am new here - don't hold it against me). As I have come to see it in my work with victimized children and families, the two themes that are ever present are either: "I should have done something about it" OR "there is nothing I could have done about it." The crux of the matter, however (as everyone here is chipping away at) lies in between. How can I prevent something like this from happening without instilling fear?

I found 3 points that Peggy and Ellen offered to resonate greatly with my own thoughts:
1. "But, he should already be WITH a trusted adult. If this discussion is about preschoolers, when is a preschooler allowed to be alone anyhow?"
2. "Children imitate their parents."
3. "Being a vigilantly protective and aware parent, without robbing a child of their natural innocents, is important too."

To piggy back off their insights, I would suggest that as parents and educators we don't necessarily have to "teach" kids to "protect" themselves. We can as everyone stated, offer awareness through stories and how we interact with people in the community. I do believe we do a disservice to children by teaching children "skills" to protect themselves and "identify" predators - why? - because it is our responsibility to provide that safety for preschool aged children, not to try to make them competent adults. We sometimes do things (not always of course), like send small children to martial arts, as a way to let ourselves off the hook, to quell our anxiety, and to provide a false sense of security that our 4 year old is now prepared to make the right decision. We have to be ever mindful of where our children are and with whom they come into contact.

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Permalink Reply by MaryAnn Kohl, art author on June 30, 2010 at 2:51pm

I taught my children not to respond to strangers if they were alone, but that they could respond if I were by their sides. I also taught them who the people were to go to for help.

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